A Long, Wandering Journey Back

Hey, y'all! It's so great to be back. A LOT has changed since I last posted on this blog, most of it for the better. To start, I wanted to say that I've definitely missed this forum. It allowed me, a lot of the time, to get out my thoughts/frustrations with things going on in my life as wife, mother, & woman.
I graduated from school, with my degree in photography. I still love capturing special and candid moments for people, and my family, of course. My business growth has been a bit slow, but I have built up a small, dedicated clientele that I love.
After graduating from photo school, Evan was in pre-k, and I felt like it was time to try to get back into the work force. I originally wanted a part-time job that would still allow me to maintain my identity as a stay-at-home mom for the most part. I applied with a staffing service, thinking that would be the fastest way to obtain work - especially since I hadn't worked a "real" job since before the kids were born. I was brought into the staffing service for an interview, and then I just had to wait. I was hopeful they would be able to find me something that was relatively close to home and part-time. They called a few weeks later with a job offer, for a position inside the staffing office. It was full-time, but a wonderful opportunity to get my feet wet back in the work force.
I started at the office in April of 2015, as a staffing assistant. Mostly answering phones, directing traffic and keeping the office supplies stocked (basically, a receptionist). But I loved the job. It was challenging for me, as well as fulfilling. I made some wonderful friends and felt like I was contributing to our family economy. When I'd been there about six months, a position opened up. It would be a promotion for me, with better pay and a bit more flexibility. I told my supervisor that I would be very interested in the position and I got it! I was now a recruiter.
I handled a majority of advertising for our branch. I also scheduled interviews and did most of the phone and branch pre-screens. I implemented new procedures for my position and really felt like I was great at my job. I was able to work from home, if needed and did on a few occasions, when we had snow and when I or the boys were sick. It was probably the best few months of my career.
At about the same time, I had begun having severe back pain and started seeing a chiropractor, which helped tremendously (but that's a whole other post)!
Fast forward six more months. Another position opened up for a staffing supervisor. I thought long and hard about whether or not to pursue the supervisor position, I really did feel conflicted. I felt content where I was, but knew there realistically was nowhere to go from the recruiter role. And I felt that I was fully capable of succeeding as a supervisor, but wasn't sure I wanted the extra responsibility. So after much personal debate, I decided to apply for the supervisor position and got it. It was a much harder job, with a ton more responsibility. I learned quickly and did well and became even closer with my fellow team members. I was proud of myself for where I had come in such a short amount of time.
In July of 2016, the chiropractor I had begun seeing approached me about a position on her staff. I wasn't looking for anything and had really begun to get into a groove with my supervisor role. I was so very torn. On one hand, I loved my current job and had to opportunity to grow, with no real stopping place. On the other hand, working as a chiropractic assistant had many perks, including being much closer to home (like, 5 minutes vs. 40 minutes) and gave my family and me free chiropractic care ( a HUGE money saver!). After meeting with the chiropractor several times, I decided that it might be a better fit for our family - a four-day work week, free chiropractic care, closer to home - and I left the staffing office.
It was very bittersweet. I had made some true friends and really felt like the work I was doing mattered. I was helping people find jobs and sometimes changing their lives.
But as they say, the grass isn't always greener... I struggled in the new position, where I had thrived in the old. I didn't feel the same camaraderie with my new co-workers as I had with my old team. And the learning curve was STEEP. I felt like from day one, I was expected to know things that there was no way I could have had any clue about. After about six weeks, going to a weekend seminar, and one anxiety attack later, I begun to get in the swing of things. While I only worked four days a week, they were VERY long days. I would drop the boys off at school at 7:15 and not get home until sometimes close to 8:00 that evening. It began to take a toll on our family life. Especially since my husband works nights and has to leave at about 8:40 to go to work. I felt like I could only be a mom three days a week and forget about house work! My house was a continual dumping ground, since my one day a week that I had to do stuff sans children (aka, Friday), was taken over by groceries and getting supplies for the chiropractic office.
About this time, Derek's Granny had gone to the doctor and it was determined that she had breast cancer. This was her second bout, the first time being in 2008/09. She would have to go through a lumpectomy and radiation again. During her first battle, I took her to most all of her appointments and made sure that she and Derek's Pa had good meals to eat when she wasn't feeling up to cooking. With the first bout, Granny had struggled with depression and we became even closer than we already were, as I would spend as much time as caring for a one-year old would allow.
I took Granny's diagnosis as a sign, especially since I was still majorly struggling in my role as Chiropractic Assistant, and wasn't feeling particularly fulfilled. The job was a great job, I just wasn't right for it. I missed my family.  I felt like it was time to come back home and make sure Granny was well cared for. I left the office on good terms and still go regularly for my chiropractic care.
And that pretty much catches us up. I've been back home now for going on six month, and I couldn't be happier. Granny is in remission and my boys are ecstatic that I am back home and picking them up from school every day and cooking again. I didn't realize when I left the home, how much I would mourn the loss of our family dinners more than anything.
But now comes a new challenge. Managing our family on one income again. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas, I cleaned an office after hours a few days a week to give me some spending money. But it was temporary. I am back to being a budgeting fiend and working the budget like it's my job (because it is!). I hope to share with you my best money-saving tips and healthy recipes.
I didn't set out for this post to be a lengthy diatribe about where my life has gone, but if you've hung in till the end, I thank you.
Much love,
Rachael

Fit Mama Friday

To describe this week: it SUCKED. This week was a very hard week. We lost a dear family friend last Friday. I did the best I could to manage my nutrition, but didn't get to run any. With the funeral and class and everything that has gone on this week, I've been a little sidetracked.
Today, I leave for the weekend to go to a conference that I attend every year in beautiful Gatlinburg. I tell you what, Gatlinburg has some wonderful streets for running (especially at five in the morning!). So you better believe I'll be hitting them. I spent this week in mourning, but I know that getting back in my routine will be good for me; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Has it really been that long?!

Two years. Almost... Yep, I've been "away" for a while. And there have been quite a few changes since I last wrote.

1) Both the boys are potty trained. YAY!!! (Although, for a cloth diaper addict like me, that's kind of a bittersweet thing)
2) I went back to school to pursue an education in a field I absolutely ADORE, photography! I will graduate in the fall (WOOHOO!)
3) I have launched my own small business (in said field), see here: www.rachaeloglephotography.com
4) Ian is in Kindergarten and smart as a whip (as if there was ever any doubt!)
5) Hubby has launched his own Youtube channel, about gaming. You can find it here: Gaming Family Man

Okay, so there has been A LOT more than this going on, but I had to cut it off somewhere.

So where does that leave us? Well, I'm still quite the crunchy mom, so I'm sure we'll have tons to discuss about all things green. Also, I may throw some photography and Photoshop tips your way so that you can make your family photos look even better! And now that Pinterest is such a huge success, I will share my favorite findings from that wonderful place (it's a black hole that sucks you in and never lets go, but we all love it!). I may even delve into book and media reviews.

I tell you, it's going to be an information fest up in here! You never know what I'm going to do next! I hope you'll come back and visit again soon. I'll try not to stay gone so long this time. Promise!

Take me away...

Alone time... Wait, what's that??? Derek and I haven't been away without the boys in two years! Now, I don't mean we haven't had an occasional night just the two of us or anything like that, but we haven't been AWAY (like a mini-vacation or something of that nature). When we first got married, we were broke college kids and didn't have time for a honeymoon after we got married because we had to move just a few days after our wedding. For our first anniversary, my dad got us a weekend at a cabin in the mountains as a gift. It was wonderful being able to get away from it all and reconnect as a couple. Then, when I was pregnant with Ian, we went on our first "real" vacation to Panama City with my dad, step-mom, and younger brother. It was Derek's first trip to the beach and we had a blast soaking up the sun for a week on our last adventure before parenthood. I unfortunately have no pictures from the beach because a week after our return, I was showing the pictures on my camera to some co-workers and accidentally dropped my camera and it erased my memory card. Very sad :(.But that was the last time we went anywhere until Ian was a year old. Because our wedding anniversary is New Year's Day, we always have a hard time trying to plan time away with everything going on for the holidays. So we usually have to plan a trip for our "dating" anniversary, which is at the end of May. Well, when Ian was about a year old, we needed time away, so I planned a weekend in Gatlinburg (about two hours from home) for just the two of us. It was so nice to feel young and again, reconnect as husband and wife, not just Mommy and Daddy. I think sometimes after a baby, it can be difficult to maintain the husband/wife relationship (especially as a woman). You find yourself completely devoted to a new little human who needs you so much more at that time than your spouse, and sometimes the relationship suffers. So a weekend away was just the thing we needed. We came back completely refreshed as a couple. And if my math is correct, it was also the weekend we conceived Evan. He was the best souvenir we ever got :).Well, then we had two kids and no time to go away (and really, no money either, LOL). But my step-dad's boss had a condo which he graciously let us borrow for the weekend and everyone joked that I would come back pregnant again. But we didn't (I don't think I would have ever been able to talk Derek into going ANYWHERE alone with me again if that happened). That was two years ago. And while I have traveled, mostly for our Missions group from church, we haven't been anywhere just the two of us. And I miss my hubby! So for his birthday this year, I am whisking my man away for the weekend. I can't tell you where we're going right now, because it's a surprise for him, and he has been known to take a peek at the blog from time to time. He knows we are going somewhere, but doesn't know where. And he has been an exceptionally good sport about the not knowing part. He really doesn't like surprises all that much and is not much on traveling long distances (and really, anything more than 30 miles is a long distance to him). But I have been thoroughly enjoying the planning of it all. I am a perpetual planner by nature, so planning this trip has been like crack to me. On our list of stops are several historical landmarks (which will probably appeal more to me than him, but I'm planning, so I say it will be fun), as well as a few places featured on the show "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives". He does know about this part and is pretty happy about the food aspect of our trip.  I am trying not to over-plan though, leaving room for the little jewels we may find on the way to our destination. I am planning on staying off the interstate as much as possible, making finding said jewels even easier. What is your favorite thing to do on a road trip? Ours is going to take anywhere from six to eight hours -- depending on traffic and how many times I get us lost. We do have a couple audio books to listen to, as well as the old stand-by, the license plate game. Do you have anything that you do to make road trips special? I'd love some more ideas!

Out into the Wild Blue Yonder

Last year, I started hiking. I had gone before that, but I started really enjoying it last spring. Ian had just turned three and was potty learned. I thought this would be something we would enjoy together, as mother and son. So we started small, with a trail I know VERY well and have trekked many times. It has a beautiful waterfall and is easily hiked. He loved it and I loved sharing the moments with him.
Fast forward to now. I still love hiking and backpacking, and have made several hikes already this year. Ian has gone with me a few times and the days he comes, I make sure to pick trails with a lot of wildlife and foliage for him to see. But since it's getting warmer, he is now content to just pick a spot on the river and play until it's time to head home. Normally, I am fine just watching him enjoy the water and skipping rocks on the bank. But lately, I find myself wanting to venture out on my own, and go on a solo overnighter and just "be". Unfortunately, my husband is against the whole "being alone in nature with bears and other people to attack me" idea. Really, the idea of going alone doesn't scare me (of course, I haven't ever done it, so I might have a different opinion afterward), it really excites me. I have always been independent and have traveled (often without the company of my parents/family) from a pretty young age. At 14, I went to Brazil on a mission trip with our church. At 17, I was in Washington, D.C. with a group of students who roamed the Hill for a week of mock Congress and meetings with our country's representatives. And at 18, I spent my last high school spring break with a friend driving from East Tennessee to Virginia and then to Atlanta. I have thoroughly enjoyed all the experiences my travels have afforded me.  I have always prided myself in being very vigilant and have always felt confident in my ability to take care of myself in many situations. I understand the there are scenarios you just can not plan for, but the likelihood of many of these situations is remote.
My wonderful husband does not share my love of the great outdoors, or travel in general. He is very much a homebody. And although he doesn't enjoy hiking, he has gone with me on several occasions when I have begged and pleaded. But he draws the line at overnighters. And so, it's in times like these that I really do wish I was a man. If I were a guy, the idea of me going into the woods, alone, for a week, would not raise any eyebrows. But because I am "the weaker sex" (That's a post all on its own!), I can't go and do something I really genuinely enjoy unless someone accompanies me. It really does anger me! In the 21st century, I am still looked at as weak and vulnerable.
Okay, that may have been a bit harsh. I know he really does just worry about me being safe, because he loves me. But this is something that I really want to do. And I know if I really pushed the issue, Derek would just keep his mouth shut and let me go off on my own, but I would never have his blessing to do it. And, I think more than anything, that's what I want. I want him to think I am a capable enough woman that I could handle myself out there all by myself and come home to him safe and sound.
At the very top of my bucket list, you will see "hike the entire length of the Appalachian Trail" (not necessarily all at once, but at some point in my life, I want to have hiked the whole thing). But I don't know if I'll ever get that one...
Any other gal solo hikers/backpackers out there? If you have a significant other, how did you get them to be okay with you wanting to go it alone?

Eight years in the blink of an eye...

Eight years ago today, I graduated from high school. I had been invited to a friend's graduation party and had a bit of time to kill after a lunch with my mom. So I decided to walk around Wal-Mart a little while until it was time to go to the party.
While I was walking down a grocery aisle, a worker stopped me and asked me how my day was going. I said it was good and that I had just left my graduation. We started talking and I thought he was pretty cute. He then proceeded to ask me if I was seeing anyone and if he could have my number. I gave it to him, thinking I'd probably never hear from him. Much to my surprise, he called me that night and we set up a date. And the rest as they say, is history.
We were married six months later. Everyone thought we were nuts (including our parents) because we were so young (19 & 20), and some even placed bets on how long our marriage would last (the average time was a year). But here we are, eight years later. Still very much in love and happy. Don't get me wrong, we've had our tough times and we are still growing as individuals and as a couple. But I wouldn't change any part of our journey. I am so very thankful that the Lord put us in each other's path that day. I can honestly say that I am married to my best friend.
If you had asked me eight years and one day ago what my future held, I had it all mapped out. I was going to go to college and major in history, become a history teacher and probably not get married until I was at least 25. But as you can see, my plans weren't what God had in store for me. And I couldn't be happier...

Excuses, Excuses

Wow, I'm a great blogger... Not! After my last blog, I had great intentions, but as usual, life tends to get in the way. But I've been inspired as of late, and this blog is becoming a priority once again. I look forward to sharing some reviews soon and some of the things going on in our family life. We are hoping to take Ian on his first overnight backpacking trip this summer, so I should get lots of fodder for the blog from our adventures. I am also hoping to reveal a new venture I am starting in our community in the near future. So I have lots in store and will be making more appearances this year than last... At least, that's my goal. And much like the blog, my YouTube has been pretty neglected as well. I hope to change that, too. See you soon!

A completely unintentional extended hiatus...

Has it seriously been THREE months since I last blogged?! I feel like such a loser! But in my meager defense, I have been very swamped with my new photography venture. Still, it's no excuse. I humbly ask your forgiveness for my lack of posts.
But now with the holidays behind and a new year rapidly approaching, I feel a renewed sense of devotion to the blog. I just hope I can stick with it! I hope you will join me on my journey in the coming year, I have many great (IMO) plans for this blog, and for me. Thanks to Pinterest (my new favorite place to visit), I have become a lot more crafty as of late and I am hoping to share my projects with you all.

Ten years...

I know most people will be putting up memorial blogs, vlogs, posts, etc. about what 9/11 memories they have, or where they were, or what have you. But I want to talk about what it means to me, as a parent.

In my memory, the events of that day are quite vivid, which I'm sure most can relate to. I was 15, and I had just entered my keyboarding class, ready to take a test. When I got to the room, the TV was on, which I thought was strange, because the teacher had a strict policy about no television in her room. But because all of the TV's in the school were connected by a central control panel, every TV in the school happened to be on after the news broke. I remember looking up at the screen right as the second plane hit. I think that truly was my last moment as a child. All I could think was that it had to be a mistake. America was the greatest place on Earth, how could this happen. Needless to say, the test was postponed. And because of my town's proximity to a nuclear power plant, speculation began to circulate about if something were going to happen to us. I think for a solid week, no work was accomplished at my school. After a couple days, the TV's were turned off, but the fear remained, as I'm sure it did for many around our country. And for weeks, I think we wondered if there was going to be a secondary attack.
I remember that for months, there was a huge call to prayer for our country. Attendance in local churches swelled and flags hung in almost every yard in town.
Then we went to war. And while I don't want to make this a political debate, I think both parties are responsible, no matter who was in office at the time. And we still are in this fight today.
So for me, 9/11 has been on my mind for the past ten years. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about what it has changed in me. I have family and friends in the military who've had to go overseas, but I have been so very fortunate to still have them all with me. I know many who have lost loved ones to war. And my heart goes out to them and I am so very thankful for their service. I wonder sometimes if the draft will be reinstated and if my husband will be called up. It's my prayer that that doesn't happen, but I know that he will do what is needed for his country.
But as for how this has affected me as a parent, well, I think it has just made me all the more conscience of their innocence. I want to protect them from all the evils of this world and shelter them from any harm. I know all parents want to keep their children small, and I'm no exception. I want my children to stay children as long as possible. Yes, I was 15 when 9/11 happened, but I was still very much a child until that moment. And I suppose, most of all, I just want them to never have to experience their childhood and innocence being ripped away from them like it was for me and countless others. While I am doing my best to prepare them for the big, crazy world that awaits them not too far in the future, I hope they stay little boys for a long, long time.

Promoting the Blog!

I try to be a well-rounded individual. I feel like you should diversify when it comes to expressing yourself. Well, before I started this blog, I had (and still have) a YouTube. I talked about how we saved money, recipes, and of course, CLOTH DIAPERS! But that was a no-brainer, huh? Well, I have decided to consolidate the two. I hope that I will be able to promote the blog on the vlog, and vice/versa. Thus beginning my evil empire (insert diabolical laugh).... :)
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. From now on, when I upload a video, I will also put it on the blog. A kind of "one-stop-shop", if you will. Some of my videos are completely random, but some I'm pretty proud of. I hope as I do more, I will have videos that relate to the blogs I post. I really want to make this thing work. And I am pleased to announce that I recently made Partner on YouTube (which means I can start earning money off my videos)! I never thought anyone would watch my videos, let alone subscribe. It is very humbling. And I am just feeling very thankful at the moment. Here is the most recent video I did debuting MMM:

I also want to take a moment to thank my blog followers as well. I am thoroughly enjoying having an outlet for all my crazy ramblings, and having someone read them, means the world to me. <3

So Torn!

If someone had asked me six months ago if I wanted a third child, my answer would have been a very hopeful "Yes". Ask me today, and I'm not sure I want to start over again. I think a lot of my reasoning six months ago was that SIX ladies in my "circle" were all expecting. So, of course, seeing their bellies and holding their tiny bundles definitely pulled on the heartstrings of my womb. Now that they have all had their babies and things are getting back to normal, I'm not so sure I want to go back to midnight feedings and fussy gas and spit up. I know those things are short lived, but for that little while, they can seem unbearable. And as of right this moment, I've got the two-kid-thing down (most of the time) and some days, I even feel like I'm getting ahead. So why would I want to jump into those newborn waters again? I'd have to be nuts!
And I didn't even mention the pregnancy part! I know for some women, it's the best time of their lives, but for me, not so much. I don't particularly enjoy seeing my breakfast, lunch and dinner for a second time for six months straight. And I also don't love so much the heartburn, leg cramps and kicks in the ribs. If I could just skip the whole pregnancy and do the labor and delivery, I'd do it in a heartbeat! That part I actually kinda enjoy. I know, I should be committed.
Then again... I miss having a little bundle. And I miss feeling a baby roll in my belly, knowing all the while he's in there, I'm the only one caring and nurturing him. That's an awesome feeling. I miss seeing those first smiles and coos and figuring out who a baby looks like. I miss breastfeeding and baby-wearing. I would also love the chance to have a little girl. I have even dreamed about her and her image is one that has never fully gone away.  She even has a name. And every time I think about her, I well up.
So you might ask, "Why so torn?" The reason is because I haven't mentioned the whole "husband" part of the equation. Until last week, Derek was adamant about not having any more children. He let me know soon after Evan was born that he was content with having two boys and no more. We had even talked about him going ahead with the vasectomy we have planned for after his 30th birthday (three years from now). And knowing how he felt, I had relegated my (slightly crushed) feelings to the "never gonna happen" pile in my head and heart and had actually learned to be content knowing that two was it. And after a few really trying days in the past few months, I have even been thankful that we only have two.
Well, last week, while I was gone on a trip to Florida, he mentioned to me that he was having a feeling that it wouldn't be so bad if I were to "accidentally" get pregnant again. How do you drop something like that over the phone?! I asked what he had done with my husband. I also said we'd talk about it more when I got home. An in the week since I've been back, he keeps dropping hints about "the chance to have a girl" and not ''suiting up before the game'' anymore. Oh, men and their metaphors.. And now I'm completely confused and don't know how to feel at all. Do I dare to hope for another child? Or do I hold off because, deep down, I know that if I were to give in to the feelings I already feel starting to creep back into my heart, he will change his mind and then I'd be crushed again. What to do, what to do.

Bittersweet

In a matter of twelve short days, I will be on my way to Orlando, Florida for Blume, a conference centered around missions for teenage girls (and leaders). While I am VERY excited to attend, as the conference is only once every four years, I am also a little nervous. I am nervous because I will be leaving my children for four nights. My husband has graciously offered to stay home with them so I could go and focus on the conference. But this will be the first time I have ever been away from them for more than a couple days. I had to go on a mission trip to Savannah, Georgia for a week when I was pregnant with Evan and I took Ian with me because I didn't think I could have made it a whole week without seeing him. I now realize it was probably just the hormones. I probably could have made it just fine -- because I was so busy and wouldn't have had time to wallow in the missing. My husband had a lot harder time than I did because he was home alone and hadn't ever been away from us for that long. But now it's my turn to do the missing. But I will be busy and will call and talk to them, so I am hoping it will not be too bad.
But I do worry about the boys... All three of them. Derek has never been left alone with the boys for more than just an afternoon or while I had to run errands or go to work. Definitely never overnight. And it's not because he hasn't wanted to or anything like that, but there's just never been a need. Ian I don't worry about SO MUCH, because he's a little bit older and knows that when I get back, he'll be getting a present from Mickey Mouse (the conference is at Disney). So I think as long as I can talk to him on the phone he'll be fine. Evan on the other hand... He's a completely different story. I do worry about how he's going to be able to handle it. He'll be 18 months when I leave and he is having some major issues with separation anxiety at the moment. I am the only person who can put him down for naps and bedtime (easily) and he is an EARLY riser, usually around 6:30-7:00. Derek and Ian would sleep all morning if I let them. So I am concerned about the sleep schedules. But other than the little things, I think it will all be okay. Derek is a great daddy, and I know he'll do just fine.
I am planning on making and freezing enough meals for them so that I know they will eat well while I'm gone. Cooking has never been one of Derek's strong suits and if left to his own devices, the boys would be eating scrambled eggs, frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets all week. I can already tell that next week is going to be BUSY! Between cooking almost a week's worth of food, getting the house spotless, and getting caught up on all the laundry, I will probably be dead on my feet before I leave.
But overall, I think this trip is going to be good for everyone. It will be good for Derek so that he can kind of see what my life is like as a SAHM and see that it's not as easy as he thinks it is. It will be good for the boys because they've never had to be away from me and I think it will be a great bonding experience for the boys to spend time with Daddy. I really think it will be great for me. I get a little break, just getting to focus a full four days on one of my passions: mission work. So I am thrilled about getting to go. I am also very thankful to my husband for taking most of his vacation days at work to be a SAHD for a week.

Reflection

I am sitting here, in the quiet of my living room, in silence. The only sounds I hear are the fan and the intermittent beep of a smoke detector with a low battery (I really should check that out...). Silence has become my new favorite noise. For most of the day, my ear drums are bombarded with "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" or "Honey, where are my socks?" or "Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!" While I cherish what all these voices mean, I also cherish the quiet that the end of the day brings. It is my personal time to just breath. I usually watch a little TV -either Master Chef or So You Think You Can Dance at this time of year. Just a little retreat from the busy-ness of the day. Or I read one of the many books I have waiting for me to crack open. Right now, I am reading The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly (my tastes vary depending on mood).
But tonight, I have started thinking about how much easier my life is at this moment than say, six months ago... I will freely admit that I am NOT a "Supermom". I am not one of those moms who can easily keep a home and have kids. I have come to accept that about myself. And thankfully, so has Derek.
When Evan was born, I was just getting the hang of having a toddler. I was just getting good at keeping the dishes, laundry, cooking all done so that I didn't always feel like I lived in squalor. After Evan was born, though, my time management skills (what little I had) went out the window and I constantly felt like I was being pulled in 18 different directions. I think "overwhelmed" was an understatement. I didn't have any issues with postpartum depression, thank the Lord, or it may have been a whole lot worse. My house was NEVER presentable unless I had company coming over and I worked my butt off for the whole week before to make it that way. I had to scramble to make sure we all had clean clothes. And usually, lunch (our main family meal since my husband works nights) consisted of sandwiches or my husband's favorite "chicken-tots", baked chicken tenders and tater tots. I just got by, to say the least. Something had to give. I had to have a serious sit-down with my husband. I had to explain to him that I couldn't do it all and that I needed help. I laid it all out for him. I told him that I NEEDED a little time to myself every once in a while. The only time I was ever really without the kids was the eight hours I work weekly. I also explained to him that because of his work schedule, most of the time I felt like a single mom. Derek understood where I was coming from and said that he could see that I had been struggling. He was amazed that I even said anything at all, as our history has proven that I am not a touchy-feely-share-every-thought kinda gal. But he also said that he was very happy that I did give voice to my needs and would be happy to help out more.
A lot has changed in six months. I no longer have an infant and a toddler. I have a toddler and a preschooler. The boys play very well together, for the most part, and I am able to get more done than I ever thought I would. I am finally able cook a REAL meal that consists of more than two ingredients. I am finally able to tackle the laundry in a timely manner and my dishes stay a lot more caught up now. I am working on my organization skills (which I think would greatly benefit the other areas of my life) and my time management issues. I try not to let the little things bother me as much as before and just be happy in the moment. I try to spend time with the boys, one-on-one, so that I can get to know them as individuals. Derek spends more time with them now as well, allowing me to run errands (or whatever) by myself and just give me a bit of a break. He has started pitching in more around the house and when he sees that I am struggling, gives me a boost.
I know for the most part, this has probably seemed more like a rant than anything else. But I know I am not the only mom that struggles. I know we all want to be the best mom that we possibly can. And sometimes, it's hard to realize that we CAN'T do it all, no matter how badly we try. I have come to realize that to be the best I can be, maybe I DO have to have a little mess so that I can have a snuggle or read one more book or spin my boys around and around. Because really, those are the things that will matter more in the long run than whether or not I dusted those shelves or folded those towels.

Some days...

This post is not really relevant to parenting or cloth diapering, but it's how I've been feeling today.
Some days are harder than others. It could be due to stress or mess (as is usually the case for me) or just an all-around bad day.
Then there are days like today. I don't know why, but I have been missing my grandmother, Mamaw Reba, more today than I usually do. She passed away February 2008 at the age of 89, just four weeks before our first son was born. She was such a special lady, who loved nothing more than watching birds and doing word search puzzles. She made the best biscuits and peach cobbler. I inherited her cobbler dish and every time I use it, I wish it was her cobbler in the dish instead of mine. She also told the best stories. My favorite involved my dad and his brothers making a homemade rocket and setting it off while my grandfather was taking a nap. She told me about what it was like to raise children deep in the mountains of East Tennessee during and after World War II. Hearing her stories made me long for simpler times. And the way she told it, she wouldn't have traded it for anything. She tried to teach me how to make "cat-head" biscuits, so named because of their size (as big as a cat's head). But I still have not mastered them (and probably never will), even after many failed attempts.

Mamaw and me on my wedding day, 2005

Physically, we don't favor each other much at all, but I do have her hands. The large, square palms and long-ish, slightly crooked fingers of mine were hers as well. Even if this is the only feature of hers I possess, it is one that I feel so blessed to have. I can look down at them any time I want and remember all the things her hands accomplished. They deftly worked biscuit dough into a perfectly round shape. They mashed my potatoes just right and chopped cabbage for cole slaw. They hoed a garden and pulled weeds every year until she was 86. They threaded needles to make hand-sewn quilts (and one, I hope to finish in the future). They swatted my brother's and my behind when we got out of line. They helped cut out paper dolls and make flowers out of tissue paper. They pointed out all the different types of birds.
I have so many fond memories of Mamaw, I could probably write a book. And it is for these memories that I will forever be thankful. I was so blessed to get to spend time with that wonderful lady and bask in the wisdom that all her years lent her. I can't wait until my boys are old enough to understand just how precious she was to me. It breaks my heart that they will never know her. Her laugh, her kindness, her sweet spirit. It is my hope and prayer that when I speak of her, I can do her justice.