A Long, Wandering Journey Back

Hey, y'all! It's so great to be back. A LOT has changed since I last posted on this blog, most of it for the better. To start, I wanted to say that I've definitely missed this forum. It allowed me, a lot of the time, to get out my thoughts/frustrations with things going on in my life as wife, mother, & woman.
I graduated from school, with my degree in photography. I still love capturing special and candid moments for people, and my family, of course. My business growth has been a bit slow, but I have built up a small, dedicated clientele that I love.
After graduating from photo school, Evan was in pre-k, and I felt like it was time to try to get back into the work force. I originally wanted a part-time job that would still allow me to maintain my identity as a stay-at-home mom for the most part. I applied with a staffing service, thinking that would be the fastest way to obtain work - especially since I hadn't worked a "real" job since before the kids were born. I was brought into the staffing service for an interview, and then I just had to wait. I was hopeful they would be able to find me something that was relatively close to home and part-time. They called a few weeks later with a job offer, for a position inside the staffing office. It was full-time, but a wonderful opportunity to get my feet wet back in the work force.
I started at the office in April of 2015, as a staffing assistant. Mostly answering phones, directing traffic and keeping the office supplies stocked (basically, a receptionist). But I loved the job. It was challenging for me, as well as fulfilling. I made some wonderful friends and felt like I was contributing to our family economy. When I'd been there about six months, a position opened up. It would be a promotion for me, with better pay and a bit more flexibility. I told my supervisor that I would be very interested in the position and I got it! I was now a recruiter.
I handled a majority of advertising for our branch. I also scheduled interviews and did most of the phone and branch pre-screens. I implemented new procedures for my position and really felt like I was great at my job. I was able to work from home, if needed and did on a few occasions, when we had snow and when I or the boys were sick. It was probably the best few months of my career.
At about the same time, I had begun having severe back pain and started seeing a chiropractor, which helped tremendously (but that's a whole other post)!
Fast forward six more months. Another position opened up for a staffing supervisor. I thought long and hard about whether or not to pursue the supervisor position, I really did feel conflicted. I felt content where I was, but knew there realistically was nowhere to go from the recruiter role. And I felt that I was fully capable of succeeding as a supervisor, but wasn't sure I wanted the extra responsibility. So after much personal debate, I decided to apply for the supervisor position and got it. It was a much harder job, with a ton more responsibility. I learned quickly and did well and became even closer with my fellow team members. I was proud of myself for where I had come in such a short amount of time.
In July of 2016, the chiropractor I had begun seeing approached me about a position on her staff. I wasn't looking for anything and had really begun to get into a groove with my supervisor role. I was so very torn. On one hand, I loved my current job and had to opportunity to grow, with no real stopping place. On the other hand, working as a chiropractic assistant had many perks, including being much closer to home (like, 5 minutes vs. 40 minutes) and gave my family and me free chiropractic care ( a HUGE money saver!). After meeting with the chiropractor several times, I decided that it might be a better fit for our family - a four-day work week, free chiropractic care, closer to home - and I left the staffing office.
It was very bittersweet. I had made some true friends and really felt like the work I was doing mattered. I was helping people find jobs and sometimes changing their lives.
But as they say, the grass isn't always greener... I struggled in the new position, where I had thrived in the old. I didn't feel the same camaraderie with my new co-workers as I had with my old team. And the learning curve was STEEP. I felt like from day one, I was expected to know things that there was no way I could have had any clue about. After about six weeks, going to a weekend seminar, and one anxiety attack later, I begun to get in the swing of things. While I only worked four days a week, they were VERY long days. I would drop the boys off at school at 7:15 and not get home until sometimes close to 8:00 that evening. It began to take a toll on our family life. Especially since my husband works nights and has to leave at about 8:40 to go to work. I felt like I could only be a mom three days a week and forget about house work! My house was a continual dumping ground, since my one day a week that I had to do stuff sans children (aka, Friday), was taken over by groceries and getting supplies for the chiropractic office.
About this time, Derek's Granny had gone to the doctor and it was determined that she had breast cancer. This was her second bout, the first time being in 2008/09. She would have to go through a lumpectomy and radiation again. During her first battle, I took her to most all of her appointments and made sure that she and Derek's Pa had good meals to eat when she wasn't feeling up to cooking. With the first bout, Granny had struggled with depression and we became even closer than we already were, as I would spend as much time as caring for a one-year old would allow.
I took Granny's diagnosis as a sign, especially since I was still majorly struggling in my role as Chiropractic Assistant, and wasn't feeling particularly fulfilled. The job was a great job, I just wasn't right for it. I missed my family.  I felt like it was time to come back home and make sure Granny was well cared for. I left the office on good terms and still go regularly for my chiropractic care.
And that pretty much catches us up. I've been back home now for going on six month, and I couldn't be happier. Granny is in remission and my boys are ecstatic that I am back home and picking them up from school every day and cooking again. I didn't realize when I left the home, how much I would mourn the loss of our family dinners more than anything.
But now comes a new challenge. Managing our family on one income again. Over Thanksgiving and Christmas, I cleaned an office after hours a few days a week to give me some spending money. But it was temporary. I am back to being a budgeting fiend and working the budget like it's my job (because it is!). I hope to share with you my best money-saving tips and healthy recipes.
I didn't set out for this post to be a lengthy diatribe about where my life has gone, but if you've hung in till the end, I thank you.
Much love,
Rachael

Take me away...

Alone time... Wait, what's that??? Derek and I haven't been away without the boys in two years! Now, I don't mean we haven't had an occasional night just the two of us or anything like that, but we haven't been AWAY (like a mini-vacation or something of that nature). When we first got married, we were broke college kids and didn't have time for a honeymoon after we got married because we had to move just a few days after our wedding. For our first anniversary, my dad got us a weekend at a cabin in the mountains as a gift. It was wonderful being able to get away from it all and reconnect as a couple. Then, when I was pregnant with Ian, we went on our first "real" vacation to Panama City with my dad, step-mom, and younger brother. It was Derek's first trip to the beach and we had a blast soaking up the sun for a week on our last adventure before parenthood. I unfortunately have no pictures from the beach because a week after our return, I was showing the pictures on my camera to some co-workers and accidentally dropped my camera and it erased my memory card. Very sad :(.But that was the last time we went anywhere until Ian was a year old. Because our wedding anniversary is New Year's Day, we always have a hard time trying to plan time away with everything going on for the holidays. So we usually have to plan a trip for our "dating" anniversary, which is at the end of May. Well, when Ian was about a year old, we needed time away, so I planned a weekend in Gatlinburg (about two hours from home) for just the two of us. It was so nice to feel young and again, reconnect as husband and wife, not just Mommy and Daddy. I think sometimes after a baby, it can be difficult to maintain the husband/wife relationship (especially as a woman). You find yourself completely devoted to a new little human who needs you so much more at that time than your spouse, and sometimes the relationship suffers. So a weekend away was just the thing we needed. We came back completely refreshed as a couple. And if my math is correct, it was also the weekend we conceived Evan. He was the best souvenir we ever got :).Well, then we had two kids and no time to go away (and really, no money either, LOL). But my step-dad's boss had a condo which he graciously let us borrow for the weekend and everyone joked that I would come back pregnant again. But we didn't (I don't think I would have ever been able to talk Derek into going ANYWHERE alone with me again if that happened). That was two years ago. And while I have traveled, mostly for our Missions group from church, we haven't been anywhere just the two of us. And I miss my hubby! So for his birthday this year, I am whisking my man away for the weekend. I can't tell you where we're going right now, because it's a surprise for him, and he has been known to take a peek at the blog from time to time. He knows we are going somewhere, but doesn't know where. And he has been an exceptionally good sport about the not knowing part. He really doesn't like surprises all that much and is not much on traveling long distances (and really, anything more than 30 miles is a long distance to him). But I have been thoroughly enjoying the planning of it all. I am a perpetual planner by nature, so planning this trip has been like crack to me. On our list of stops are several historical landmarks (which will probably appeal more to me than him, but I'm planning, so I say it will be fun), as well as a few places featured on the show "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives". He does know about this part and is pretty happy about the food aspect of our trip.  I am trying not to over-plan though, leaving room for the little jewels we may find on the way to our destination. I am planning on staying off the interstate as much as possible, making finding said jewels even easier. What is your favorite thing to do on a road trip? Ours is going to take anywhere from six to eight hours -- depending on traffic and how many times I get us lost. We do have a couple audio books to listen to, as well as the old stand-by, the license plate game. Do you have anything that you do to make road trips special? I'd love some more ideas!

My Confession

My Confession: I'm a lazy mom. I'll admit it. But it's not what you think. I came across a blog recently that is quickly becoming one of my favorite to peruse when I have a few minutes online. Since coming across the blog, I have started to not ridicule myself so much for my "laziness". I now know that the things I'm doing are serving to make my children healthier, happier, more self-sufficient individuals.
But I am also am a bit lazy in the traditional sense. I don't cook gourmet meals every day, but my kids don't starve. Sometimes I get behind on the laundry (or dishes or whatever), not because I'm busy, but because I got caught up in something on Hulu (or Netflix, or Facebook...) and lost track of time. Sometimes my kids watch little too much TV, so I can get a shower in peace.
I think we, as moms (and dads), feel so guilty for all the little things we feel we fail at, that a lot of times we forget all the things we do right.We get so caught up in what we are "supposed" to do, I think it makes us overlook all the little things that make our jobs as moms and dads so rewarding.
For example, there was an evening after supper a few weeks ago. None of the dishes were done, I'm sure there was laundry that needed to be attended to, and I know that the living room looked like Toys-R-Us had just exploded. But I was messing around with the webcam on the laptop and the boys wandered over to see what I was up to. They wanted to see themselves, so I hit the record button, knowing that there would be some good goof-off footage to be had. Sure enough, I've got about ten minutes of the boys and me making silly faces, singing songs, giggling nonstop, and having a great time. I watched it this morning and it almost brought tears to my eyes to think how quickly time is passing.
Soon, my babies won't be babies. Ian starts pre-K next year and I will only have one kid during the day. In a way I am looking forward to it because of how good it will be for him, socially as well as educationally. But it's still very bittersweet.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the time with our children is so fleeting and so precious. So if I need to let things around the house get behind to enjoy some quality time with my kiddos, then by golly, that's it what I'm going to do. And I'm not going to apologize for it!

Ten years...

I know most people will be putting up memorial blogs, vlogs, posts, etc. about what 9/11 memories they have, or where they were, or what have you. But I want to talk about what it means to me, as a parent.

In my memory, the events of that day are quite vivid, which I'm sure most can relate to. I was 15, and I had just entered my keyboarding class, ready to take a test. When I got to the room, the TV was on, which I thought was strange, because the teacher had a strict policy about no television in her room. But because all of the TV's in the school were connected by a central control panel, every TV in the school happened to be on after the news broke. I remember looking up at the screen right as the second plane hit. I think that truly was my last moment as a child. All I could think was that it had to be a mistake. America was the greatest place on Earth, how could this happen. Needless to say, the test was postponed. And because of my town's proximity to a nuclear power plant, speculation began to circulate about if something were going to happen to us. I think for a solid week, no work was accomplished at my school. After a couple days, the TV's were turned off, but the fear remained, as I'm sure it did for many around our country. And for weeks, I think we wondered if there was going to be a secondary attack.
I remember that for months, there was a huge call to prayer for our country. Attendance in local churches swelled and flags hung in almost every yard in town.
Then we went to war. And while I don't want to make this a political debate, I think both parties are responsible, no matter who was in office at the time. And we still are in this fight today.
So for me, 9/11 has been on my mind for the past ten years. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about what it has changed in me. I have family and friends in the military who've had to go overseas, but I have been so very fortunate to still have them all with me. I know many who have lost loved ones to war. And my heart goes out to them and I am so very thankful for their service. I wonder sometimes if the draft will be reinstated and if my husband will be called up. It's my prayer that that doesn't happen, but I know that he will do what is needed for his country.
But as for how this has affected me as a parent, well, I think it has just made me all the more conscience of their innocence. I want to protect them from all the evils of this world and shelter them from any harm. I know all parents want to keep their children small, and I'm no exception. I want my children to stay children as long as possible. Yes, I was 15 when 9/11 happened, but I was still very much a child until that moment. And I suppose, most of all, I just want them to never have to experience their childhood and innocence being ripped away from them like it was for me and countless others. While I am doing my best to prepare them for the big, crazy world that awaits them not too far in the future, I hope they stay little boys for a long, long time.

So Torn! Update

As far as kids go, I am still kind of torn. Although, this week has me seriously considering being DONE. I kept my brother's two kids for three days this week while their normal sitter had to go out of town. So I had four kids under four. I was stressed to the max! While I know it would be completely different if they were my own, it still makes me fear throwing any more kiddos into our sometimes (okay, most of the time) chaotic mess. 
IN MY OPINION, to handle 3+ kids, it is a requirement that you must be an organized individual with good time management skills. I can honestly say that I possess neither trait. As I have gotten older, I have started taking some organizational short cuts just to make my life easier, but by nature, this is not an easy thing for me. I inherited some pretty gnarly pack rat genes and I have to fight them daily. In general, I'm not a very sentimental person, so the stuff I "hoard" is usually old receipts, junk mail and magazines. I just let that kind of stuff get away from me until one day I can't see the mail basket anymore and I chuck everything. 
The more I think about it, the more I think it might be selfish for me to want another child. It would be asking so much of Derek, who supplies the majority of our family's income. I would worry that he would feel pressured and stressed to succeed and provide for us. And we have been SO blessed with two healthy, happy boys. I know a lot of couples struggle to have just one child. Right now, we're in a good place. We are financially able to support our family with relative ease. Our house is just the right size for all of us. And the older the boys get, the easier it has gotten, and my sanity sure does benefit from that!
For all these reasons, I think for the foreseeable future, it is safe to say that we are a "two and done" kind of family. But honestly, I will probably always entertain the notion of future children until it's no longer an option (like after Derek's "procedure"). So if I can just hold out three more years, I'll be in good shape!

Belly Laughs & Lightning Crackers

We don't get to see my dad too often, so I try to take advantage of holiday weekends and such to visit. So the kids and I made the almost two-hour trip to Dad's on Sunday to celebrate the Fourth with him and my step-mom. Aside from crazy drivers (can you say, "Road Rage"???) and Ian's constant, "Are we there yet?" (Yes, it's already started!), we made it without incident. Dad lives on the lake, so Ian's first order of business was, of course, SWIMMING.
We ate lunch as soon as we got there and then got ready to get in the water. Boy, anymore, it seems like it takes an hour just to get two kids ready to go swim. Make sure Ian pees. Lather with sunscreen from head to toe. Life jackets all around. Grab toys, towels, and bottles of water. Sheesh! Whatever happened to "grab your suit and go"??? At least, that's how I remember it as a kid.
We finally got down to the water and Ian was getting really excited. My step-mom went to go get some floats for the kids off the boat and slipped in the mud and fell on her backside into the lake. After we made sure she was okay, we all cracked up. She got up, turned around, and we died laughing all over again! She was covered in mud from her butt to her knees. But she still managed to get the floats and we got in the water. I hadn't even gotten my suit wet when Evan started wanting to take a nap. So I took him back up to the house and laid him down. He refused to sleep and just cried and cried. Finally, about an hour later, he fell asleep... Only after I gave up and left the room. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" He cried for about ten seconds after I left, but as soon as I was out of sight, he stopped, laid down, and went to sleep!
While I had been up at the house, Ian had gone on his first trip on the jet ski with Dad-Dad (Grandad) and loved it. Soon after that, they all came back up to the house. Ian proclaimed he was sleepy and wanted to lay down with Evan. I warned him of the dire consequences that would occur if he woke him up, and he went to lay down. Ten minutes later, he was asleep! I couldn't believe my good fortune. Both kids napping?! I wanted to pinch myself.
My step-mom had to go watch my step-brother's kiddo for a couple hours, so it was just Dad and me. We always have good talks, so I enjoy our time spent together. Since he lives away, I don't get to see him as often as I would like to and a lot of the time, I feel like he is missing seeing the kids grow up. So I try to call at least once a week to talk to him and update him on all the cute stuff the kids are doing at the moment.
Then Dad went to fix dinner. And it must be said that he is a tremendous cook. Years as a single father taught him to be creative and cultivated his culinary abilities. But we had a simple dinner of grilled chicken, baked potatoes, and cucumbers from the garden. Just as I was taking my first few bites, Evan woke up. So I got him situated in his seat and got him some grub. Ian soon followed suit. After the boys ate, it was bath time and pj's. It wasn't quite dark yet, so we all decided to go out on the porch and watch the boats. Ian really like the little lights that they had. We could hear some people starting to set of some fireworks in the distance and we told Ian to look for them. I hoped we would be able to see some of them over all the trees. Sure enough, a few minutes later, we saw a rocket burst high in the sky. Ian said, "Look, Mommy, lightning crackers!" Dad and I thought his terminology was quite hilarious. I think he was trying to say lightning bugs and fire crackers at the same time. But whatever the reason, it was too cute!
The next morning, we had breakfast and then it was swimming again. I love any place that you can swim at 10:00 in the morning! There's just something about still being able to smell "the morning" and still get out and enjoy the water. Evan did a lot better this time and stayed in the water for almost an hour. Then I handed him off to Dad on the dock and swam out to get the baby float that had, er, floated away. Then I swam some laps from our shore to my uncle's (about 50 yds). I forgot how much I love swimming. Note to self: must swim laps more often.
Then we went up to eat some lunch and put Evan down for a nap. My dad picked up some hamburgers and we chowed down. A thunderstorm was coming and the wind was starting to pick up. So my step-mom went down to the dock to secure all the floats on the boat. A few minutes later, she came back, soaked from the waist down. I wasn't sure what had happened... until she turned around. Fall number two. Her entire back was covered in mud. We couldn't stop laughing. I said, "Well, did you at least get all the floats?" And about that time, I saw one floating across the lake. We died again. Luckily it landed on my uncle's shore. We called him to run out and get it. I told her that I'd come hose her off and we cracked up again. I can't remember the last time I laughed that much in such a short amount of time. It's too bad I didn't go with her down to the lake... I would have SO put that on YouTube!
Sadly, we soon had to head back home. I packed up all our stuff and bid farewell to Dad and Leslie. I wish they lived closer so that they could see the boys more and we could all spend time together. But this was definitely one trip for the books!

PS: Sorry I don't have any pictures... I forgot my camera :(

Reflection

I am sitting here, in the quiet of my living room, in silence. The only sounds I hear are the fan and the intermittent beep of a smoke detector with a low battery (I really should check that out...). Silence has become my new favorite noise. For most of the day, my ear drums are bombarded with "Mommy, mommy, mommy!" or "Honey, where are my socks?" or "Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!" While I cherish what all these voices mean, I also cherish the quiet that the end of the day brings. It is my personal time to just breath. I usually watch a little TV -either Master Chef or So You Think You Can Dance at this time of year. Just a little retreat from the busy-ness of the day. Or I read one of the many books I have waiting for me to crack open. Right now, I am reading The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly (my tastes vary depending on mood).
But tonight, I have started thinking about how much easier my life is at this moment than say, six months ago... I will freely admit that I am NOT a "Supermom". I am not one of those moms who can easily keep a home and have kids. I have come to accept that about myself. And thankfully, so has Derek.
When Evan was born, I was just getting the hang of having a toddler. I was just getting good at keeping the dishes, laundry, cooking all done so that I didn't always feel like I lived in squalor. After Evan was born, though, my time management skills (what little I had) went out the window and I constantly felt like I was being pulled in 18 different directions. I think "overwhelmed" was an understatement. I didn't have any issues with postpartum depression, thank the Lord, or it may have been a whole lot worse. My house was NEVER presentable unless I had company coming over and I worked my butt off for the whole week before to make it that way. I had to scramble to make sure we all had clean clothes. And usually, lunch (our main family meal since my husband works nights) consisted of sandwiches or my husband's favorite "chicken-tots", baked chicken tenders and tater tots. I just got by, to say the least. Something had to give. I had to have a serious sit-down with my husband. I had to explain to him that I couldn't do it all and that I needed help. I laid it all out for him. I told him that I NEEDED a little time to myself every once in a while. The only time I was ever really without the kids was the eight hours I work weekly. I also explained to him that because of his work schedule, most of the time I felt like a single mom. Derek understood where I was coming from and said that he could see that I had been struggling. He was amazed that I even said anything at all, as our history has proven that I am not a touchy-feely-share-every-thought kinda gal. But he also said that he was very happy that I did give voice to my needs and would be happy to help out more.
A lot has changed in six months. I no longer have an infant and a toddler. I have a toddler and a preschooler. The boys play very well together, for the most part, and I am able to get more done than I ever thought I would. I am finally able cook a REAL meal that consists of more than two ingredients. I am finally able to tackle the laundry in a timely manner and my dishes stay a lot more caught up now. I am working on my organization skills (which I think would greatly benefit the other areas of my life) and my time management issues. I try not to let the little things bother me as much as before and just be happy in the moment. I try to spend time with the boys, one-on-one, so that I can get to know them as individuals. Derek spends more time with them now as well, allowing me to run errands (or whatever) by myself and just give me a bit of a break. He has started pitching in more around the house and when he sees that I am struggling, gives me a boost.
I know for the most part, this has probably seemed more like a rant than anything else. But I know I am not the only mom that struggles. I know we all want to be the best mom that we possibly can. And sometimes, it's hard to realize that we CAN'T do it all, no matter how badly we try. I have come to realize that to be the best I can be, maybe I DO have to have a little mess so that I can have a snuggle or read one more book or spin my boys around and around. Because really, those are the things that will matter more in the long run than whether or not I dusted those shelves or folded those towels.