Friday, July 22, 2011

So Torn!

If someone had asked me six months ago if I wanted a third child, my answer would have been a very hopeful "Yes". Ask me today, and I'm not sure I want to start over again. I think a lot of my reasoning six months ago was that SIX ladies in my "circle" were all expecting. So, of course, seeing their bellies and holding their tiny bundles definitely pulled on the heartstrings of my womb. Now that they have all had their babies and things are getting back to normal, I'm not so sure I want to go back to midnight feedings and fussy gas and spit up. I know those things are short lived, but for that little while, they can seem unbearable. And as of right this moment, I've got the two-kid-thing down (most of the time) and some days, I even feel like I'm getting ahead. So why would I want to jump into those newborn waters again? I'd have to be nuts!
And I didn't even mention the pregnancy part! I know for some women, it's the best time of their lives, but for me, not so much. I don't particularly enjoy seeing my breakfast, lunch and dinner for a second time for six months straight. And I also don't love so much the heartburn, leg cramps and kicks in the ribs. If I could just skip the whole pregnancy and do the labor and delivery, I'd do it in a heartbeat! That part I actually kinda enjoy. I know, I should be committed.
Then again... I miss having a little bundle. And I miss feeling a baby roll in my belly, knowing all the while he's in there, I'm the only one caring and nurturing him. That's an awesome feeling. I miss seeing those first smiles and coos and figuring out who a baby looks like. I miss breastfeeding and baby-wearing. I would also love the chance to have a little girl. I have even dreamed about her and her image is one that has never fully gone away.  She even has a name. And every time I think about her, I well up.
So you might ask, "Why so torn?" The reason is because I haven't mentioned the whole "husband" part of the equation. Until last week, Derek was adamant about not having any more children. He let me know soon after Evan was born that he was content with having two boys and no more. We had even talked about him going ahead with the vasectomy we have planned for after his 30th birthday (three years from now). And knowing how he felt, I had relegated my (slightly crushed) feelings to the "never gonna happen" pile in my head and heart and had actually learned to be content knowing that two was it. And after a few really trying days in the past few months, I have even been thankful that we only have two.
Well, last week, while I was gone on a trip to Florida, he mentioned to me that he was having a feeling that it wouldn't be so bad if I were to "accidentally" get pregnant again. How do you drop something like that over the phone?! I asked what he had done with my husband. I also said we'd talk about it more when I got home. An in the week since I've been back, he keeps dropping hints about "the chance to have a girl" and not ''suiting up before the game'' anymore. Oh, men and their metaphors.. And now I'm completely confused and don't know how to feel at all. Do I dare to hope for another child? Or do I hold off because, deep down, I know that if I were to give in to the feelings I already feel starting to creep back into my heart, he will change his mind and then I'd be crushed again. What to do, what to do.

Friday, July 8, 2011

A (forced) Break

I'm going to premise this by saying that the more radical cloth moms are probably not going to like what they're about to read. One of the main reasons most parents choose to cloth diaper is for their children's health. It has become one of mine. But sometimes, disposables are chosen for their health as well. WHAT?! The cloth diaper advocate says that there is a need to use disposable diapers??? Let me explain.
My family lives on pizza and pasta. It's a staple for us. I balance the carbs with loads of veggies and whole wheat pasta and dough. And I love making homemade pizzas and pasta sauce and seeing how many different ways I can be creative with it.  It's cheap and my husband and kiddos love it, so, at least three to four times a week it's my "go to". It also usually means that at least three or four times a week we are eating tomatoes. Well, last week, Evan's body decided to have a reaction. His little heiny was blistered. The normal regiment of using cloth-safe ointments was not working, so I had to break out the Balmex. And because I didn't want to ruin my cloth diapers, I broke into the stash of disposables I had purchased for my husband to use when I go to Florida next week (that's a whole other post in itself). It took four days and a whole pack of disposables for the rash to clear up. So, while I hated the thought of him wearing disposables and throwing money away, it was necessary. And I would do it again in a heart beat. Because, while I am a 100% cloth supporter, I understand that sometimes there is a place for disposables. And for my son's health, this was one of those instances.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Belly Laughs & Lightning Crackers

We don't get to see my dad too often, so I try to take advantage of holiday weekends and such to visit. So the kids and I made the almost two-hour trip to Dad's on Sunday to celebrate the Fourth with him and my step-mom. Aside from crazy drivers (can you say, "Road Rage"???) and Ian's constant, "Are we there yet?" (Yes, it's already started!), we made it without incident. Dad lives on the lake, so Ian's first order of business was, of course, SWIMMING.
We ate lunch as soon as we got there and then got ready to get in the water. Boy, anymore, it seems like it takes an hour just to get two kids ready to go swim. Make sure Ian pees. Lather with sunscreen from head to toe. Life jackets all around. Grab toys, towels, and bottles of water. Sheesh! Whatever happened to "grab your suit and go"??? At least, that's how I remember it as a kid.
We finally got down to the water and Ian was getting really excited. My step-mom went to go get some floats for the kids off the boat and slipped in the mud and fell on her backside into the lake. After we made sure she was okay, we all cracked up. She got up, turned around, and we died laughing all over again! She was covered in mud from her butt to her knees. But she still managed to get the floats and we got in the water. I hadn't even gotten my suit wet when Evan started wanting to take a nap. So I took him back up to the house and laid him down. He refused to sleep and just cried and cried. Finally, about an hour later, he fell asleep... Only after I gave up and left the room. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say, "I give up!" He cried for about ten seconds after I left, but as soon as I was out of sight, he stopped, laid down, and went to sleep!
While I had been up at the house, Ian had gone on his first trip on the jet ski with Dad-Dad (Grandad) and loved it. Soon after that, they all came back up to the house. Ian proclaimed he was sleepy and wanted to lay down with Evan. I warned him of the dire consequences that would occur if he woke him up, and he went to lay down. Ten minutes later, he was asleep! I couldn't believe my good fortune. Both kids napping?! I wanted to pinch myself.
My step-mom had to go watch my step-brother's kiddo for a couple hours, so it was just Dad and me. We always have good talks, so I enjoy our time spent together. Since he lives away, I don't get to see him as often as I would like to and a lot of the time, I feel like he is missing seeing the kids grow up. So I try to call at least once a week to talk to him and update him on all the cute stuff the kids are doing at the moment.
Then Dad went to fix dinner. And it must be said that he is a tremendous cook. Years as a single father taught him to be creative and cultivated his culinary abilities. But we had a simple dinner of grilled chicken, baked potatoes, and cucumbers from the garden. Just as I was taking my first few bites, Evan woke up. So I got him situated in his seat and got him some grub. Ian soon followed suit. After the boys ate, it was bath time and pj's. It wasn't quite dark yet, so we all decided to go out on the porch and watch the boats. Ian really like the little lights that they had. We could hear some people starting to set of some fireworks in the distance and we told Ian to look for them. I hoped we would be able to see some of them over all the trees. Sure enough, a few minutes later, we saw a rocket burst high in the sky. Ian said, "Look, Mommy, lightning crackers!" Dad and I thought his terminology was quite hilarious. I think he was trying to say lightning bugs and fire crackers at the same time. But whatever the reason, it was too cute!
The next morning, we had breakfast and then it was swimming again. I love any place that you can swim at 10:00 in the morning! There's just something about still being able to smell "the morning" and still get out and enjoy the water. Evan did a lot better this time and stayed in the water for almost an hour. Then I handed him off to Dad on the dock and swam out to get the baby float that had, er, floated away. Then I swam some laps from our shore to my uncle's (about 50 yds). I forgot how much I love swimming. Note to self: must swim laps more often.
Then we went up to eat some lunch and put Evan down for a nap. My dad picked up some hamburgers and we chowed down. A thunderstorm was coming and the wind was starting to pick up. So my step-mom went down to the dock to secure all the floats on the boat. A few minutes later, she came back, soaked from the waist down. I wasn't sure what had happened... until she turned around. Fall number two. Her entire back was covered in mud. We couldn't stop laughing. I said, "Well, did you at least get all the floats?" And about that time, I saw one floating across the lake. We died again. Luckily it landed on my uncle's shore. We called him to run out and get it. I told her that I'd come hose her off and we cracked up again. I can't remember the last time I laughed that much in such a short amount of time. It's too bad I didn't go with her down to the lake... I would have SO put that on YouTube!
Sadly, we soon had to head back home. I packed up all our stuff and bid farewell to Dad and Leslie. I wish they lived closer so that they could see the boys more and we could all spend time together. But this was definitely one trip for the books!

PS: Sorry I don't have any pictures... I forgot my camera :(